6 WAYS TO PREPARE FOR A MILITARY TRANSITION FROM MILSPOUSES WHO HAVE BEEN THERE
A military transition is often focused only on the service member, and working to prepare them for the next stage. But the truth is military spouses also struggle in the challenge of transitioning from a military focused life to one without the military at its center.
Anna Larson, founder of Milspouse Transition, was a military spouse for 16 years and a girlfriend for 4 years before that who thought she was prepared for her spouse’s military transition. In the year her husband worked to complete appointments and check all the boxes off the transition check list, she was by his side. Then, his final day of military service came and what followed left her feeling unprepared and lost.
Below, we are sharing 6 ways that you can prepare for your next military transition tried and tested by milspouses who have been there.
1) Get Involved With the Process
Military spouses are encouraged to be involved in the separation process. The more you know about military transition, the benefits, the loss of purpose, the changes for the member and their family, the more prepared your family can be.
When Anna looked at the list of things her husband needed to do to leave the military they were primarily focused on her spouse. Her family wasn’t involved. She said, “In my opinion, where there’s a family involved and they don’t get those same, like, hey, this is also what you need to be thinking about with your family. There is a massive need gap that ends up happening.”
That is why she feels it is important for spouses to be involved in the process, even if often the resources are focused on the service member. It's important to keep in mind that you, as a milspouse, should take advantage of resources you can use before your spouse leaves the service, and they are no longer available to you.
Selena Conmackie, Chief Operating Officer at Milspouse Transition looked back at her transition and also found herself wishing she had known how important it was for her to be involved; she would have been even more involved in the process.
She encourages spouses to be involved and shares this advice, “Attend the TAP classes with your spouse (TAP encourages this!), and check out resources like Milspouse Transition. Being involved made a huge difference for me. If I could go back, I’d make sure I was part of every step.”
2) Know Who You Are
Building off the advice above about being involved, remember you are part of the process of your servicemember leaving the military.
Anna said, “The identity loss piece hits a military spouse just like the Veteran.” It is important to remember this transition is affecting all members of the family, not just the person leaving the military.
Anna's advice is, “Don’t forget about your transition process too. Make sure that you’re thinking about and giving input into what you want life after the transition to look like.”
Lindsay Swoboda, whose husband recently left the Marine Corps and is the author of Holding on and Letting Go said,
”One of the best pieces of advice I’ve gotten is to not lose my own voice in this process. While it’s important that my spouse is making decisions about his next career move, it’s also important that I get to start dreaming a little bit and making some choices towards my next visions for our future. Not to leave it solely on his shoulders but to remember that I have a say, I have skills and those are things that we can use to make choices that support everybody in the family.”
3) Keep Communication Open
As Selena reflected on what she and her husband did right when it comes to transitioning out of the military she focused on communication. She said, “We talked. I remember sitting outside in our backyard and saying, ‘We need to talk about what we’re doing after you retire.’ We had a lot of assumptions between us—and starting that conversation helped us clear them up.
From there, we created a plan for our logistics: Would we stay in our last duty station? Did he want to work? Did I? That one conversation led to many others. It wasn’t one-and-done—but it was the start.”
As Selena talked about what she and her husband wanted they realized they each had assumptions about the future and it was only when they had a discussion they were able to learn what the other person was feeling and planning. Then together with open communication they were able to start planning for their future.
Anna also talked about communication saying, “One thing we did right was include our kids in the decision making process. Both of my kids said we want to stay where we’re at. They had a good friend group. They felt settled. I think if we hadn't asked them those questions, we probably would have chosen something a little bit different.”
4) Feel All the Feelings
You never know how you are going to feel at the end of military service. As your spouse leaves the military you might feel sad, lost, resentful, excited or somewhere in between or maybe all the emotions all at once or at different times.
I talked to a former Army spouse about her husband’s transition and she discussed how tired he was and how much time he took to rest. It was hard to not be resentful that he was getting a break but she still had to keep moving forward and when she had left the military as a mom of young children she did not find any rest.
Feeling the way you feel is just part of the experience and you shouldn’t feel bad that your emotions are not picture perfect. It goes back up to communication. Telling your spouse how you feel and being open so you can move forward is so important.
Going with this point, sometimes when military members go through their VA Claim they are required to talk about things they may not have wanted to ever talk about again.
This can bring up a lot of emotions and stress. Even Anna’s children noticed something was up with their dad. Being open and communicating about what was happening helped their family as dad went through challenging unexpected emotions due to completing a VA claim.
5) Get Your Finances in Order
When your family leaves the military things change. Knowing how your benefits change when your spouse leaves the military is important. Income that previously was tax exempt will now be taxed, possibly putting your family in a higher tax bracket.
Medical coverage will be different and may cost a lot more than you were paying before.
Make sure you talk to someone at your finance office to ensure your family is ready for the financial changes ahead.
6) Understand Health Care After Service
Health care benefits are challenging to understand in the best of times, but leaving the service requires understanding the new system. This can be a civilian system that is likely more expensive than the military benefit or even retirement Tricare plans are different.
You also have to register for dental coverage after retirement because it won’t transfer. There are also additional fees for young adult children. A former Army spouse who had older children in need of childcare found themselves paying $727 per child. It was a large expense they were not expecting.
Lindsay said, “One of the best things I did for our healthcare so far has been calling TRICARE and sitting with a representative for hours, talking through our options, so that I really have a comprehensive understanding of what TRICARE for life looks like I didn’t know that it could be used as a secondary line of insurance and our current. That is my understanding that if we get other insurance, TRICARE can still be used as a secondary one if you qualify for TRICARE for life, which is a great benefit.”
Transitioning Out of the Military Isn’t Easy
So often when military families dream about leaving the military they expect things to go from hard to easy. But what families experience after leaving the military can be really challenging.
“What surprised me the most was how hard it ended up being. That was what truly shocked me. Like, we head towards transition thinking the golden years are going to be so much better. It’s going to be easy,” Anna said, reflecting on her husband leaving the military.
For military spouses and their servicemember who are transitioning out of the military, proactive planning, open communication, and support are key. While the transition process is far from easy, having a strong support network, and a solid plan in place can make all the difference.
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