10 MILITARY MARRIAGE MYTHS THAT SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE DEBUNKED
For this piece, we took a closer look at some military marriage myths. While some of these myths are not uncommon occurrences within the military, they don’t represent all military marriages.
I have been a military spouse for over eighteen years. And I reached out to friends to help create this list of military marriage myths from seasoned military spouses. In my time as a military spouse, I have learned a lot about myself, and it is not what I expected the day I said, “I do.”
Being a military spouse requires sacrifice, and while it isn’t the same as being in the service, it is challenging. Some of the myths listed below can lead to the challenges and negative stereotypes that military spouses face. That is why we are debunking these myths, clearing them up, and are sharing the real experiences of military spouses.
10 Military Marriage Myths, Debunked
1. Military Spouses are Dependent on Their Spouses
“Dependa” is a slang term that often comes with a negative connotation to describe military spouses. Military spouses are classified as a “dependent,” and it limits what they can do when dealing directly with military entities.
But, military spouses are not dependent on their spouse. In fact, their spouses often find themselves relying on them instead since the spouse is the one left behind to manage the household while they are gone.
Cynthia Cline, an Air Force spouse who has been married over 10 years said,
“One could argue that military members are dependent on their spouses in order to focus on their job. It is the “dependent” who typically cares for the children, who cooks the meals, packs the lunches, who cleans the home, etc…. The military member may provide the financial support, but the “dependent” provides everything else. Ultimately, in a healthy marriage, both husband and wife are equally dependent and supportive.”
2. Military Spouses Don’t Want to Work
The unemployment rate for military spouses is consistently around 21%, far higher than the general public which has hovered around 3%. Of the military spouses who are able to find work, 45% report being underemployed due to the challenge of finding work with regular moves. With the changes in the economy, many military spouses find that working is not just a passion, but something they must do to make ends meet.
Lizann Lightfoot, whose husband retired from the Marine Corps said,
“We had to decide together if he should reenlist and stay in the military for a 20-year career, knowing it would mean moving and leaving my job where I was on a fast track for a management position.
At the time, I was making more money than he was, but we couldn't afford to stay in the area on my salary alone while he went to school. So, we decided to continue with his military career.
He got orders, I left my job, and spent the next 8 years mostly unemployed because of limited job options at his bases. I used my time as a "stay-at-home mom" to get my Master’s degree and start my freelance writing business, so ultimately, I'm happy with our decision and the opportunities I chose.”
3. Military Spouses Just Want the Benefits
Free healthcare, housing allowances, and base access are great benefits. However, the benefits of military life do not outweigh the challenge and stress of being a military family.
Military spouses don’t marry service members because they are in the military and are excited about benefits, it is more likely that military spouses marry someone in the military despite them being in the service.
Lizann also shared, “I actually dated my husband for 7 years before we finally married-- first because I was in college, then because he was stationed in 29 Palms, CA and I refused to leave my job to go live in the desert!
He deployed to Iraq 3 times during those years, and the topic of benefits came up often, since most other young Marines his age were getting married right before deployment. We both agreed to wait until we could actually live together in a place where I could be employed.”
4. Military Families Get Free Housing
While military families do get a housing allowance based on where they live, there can be the opportunity to live on base and receive free housing. This isn’t the case for everyone. And the housing allowance, especially post-pandemic, often does not cover the cost of off base housing.
I talked to a number of spouses who shared that because of various situations they never have lived on base. That is my own experience as well. Currently, our family is paying over BAH for our three-bedroom home in Southern California.
5. Military Couples are Only Separated When They are Deployed
Military life can often require a lot of time apart. But surprisingly deployments, although long in nature, are just one of the many reasons that a servicemember is not home.
Temporary Duty, known as TDY, includes various short training programs and exercises that need to be completed in the field or at a different location. TDYs also include anything from a short business trip to an extended training.
Military members are also required to attend additional training programs as they progress in rank or if they choose to cross train into a new career.
A Space Force spouse said, “My husband hasn’t ever deployed, but those constant never ending TDY's we dealt with are sometimes just as hard (albeit, different) as a deployment. And it just doesn't get the same kind of acknowledgment as a deployment.”
6. All Military Spouses Are Women
It is often assumed that military spouses are women. But although they are in the minority, there are male military spouses.
Approximately 10% of military spouses are male, and that number has only continued to grow. Male military spouses also face challenges of not being able to find support, and can find themselves being forgotten when military spouse events are created.
7. Military Couples Get Married Right Away
There are reasons military service can speed up the process of how quickly couples get married. An increase in pay, moving, being able to live off base together, and deployments can lead to a couple deciding to speed up a marriage date.
And, while these factors can lead to shorter courtships, many military couples get married within a year of dating. But even then, often military couples have spent more than a few weeks dating before tying the knot.
8. Military Spouses Always Have Support While Their Partner Is Away
While military communities do what they can to support each other, it doesn’t mean that military spouses have support when their spouse leaves for a TDY or deployment.
I thought I was ready for my husband to leave for eight weeks when my son was eight weeks old. But I quickly learned how challenging it would be.
My family was in California, and we were stationed in Ohio. My mom was always a phone call away, but she couldn’t help me in the way I needed. I was struggling as a new mom, and I felt so alone.
Sometimes military spouses have amazing, supportive communities around them. But the challenge for military spouses is that we also all have our own challenges. While we rely on each other, we can easily get lost in our own lives and challenges, especially when a unit deploys. It is hard to take care of others when you yourself are struggling to get by.
9. Military Marriage is Doomed for Failure
The divorce rate among the military community is 3%, while the general population has a slightly lower divorce rate at 2.5%. The truth is that despite the challenges of military life, military couples are strong and resilient.
Military couples are forced to communicate to stay connected. Even while deployed to Afghanistan, my husband and I were able to stay connected through emails, letters, and Skype calls.
We were separated, but were able to stay connected. Today, with busy lives with children, we sometimes don’t talk to each other when he is gone for a short trip. But we set aside time when he comes home to talk and reconnect.
10. Military Spouses Should Have Known What They Were Signing Up For
How often have military spouses heard this line? Too often.
Military spouses often have limited or no experience with the military, and even if they do, life can change in an instant.
There is no way for military couples to know what is in store for them in their military marriage the day they say, “I do.” Instead, they likely know they are in for a rollercoaster, having no idea what peaks and valleys lie ahead.
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